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:(

I smashed Robin's fingers in the door as I dropped her off at Tim's house. What a great way to start her first day there. Not only did she sob because of her fingers, she clung to my skirt and screamed as I walked away. ASSHOLE MOM. I feel so terrible. I am trying to get work done but mostly I'm just worrying about her :(.

typing with 1 hand at 6 am

of course holly wd pick the day of a car trip to wake at 445 :P. (nak) christine is here and she and i are driving the girls down to visit my parents in kansas city. i'm nervous, of course: the longest i've driven with both is 2.5 hrs and that was 3 months ago. this drive is 5 hrs :/. we are going to ignore naptime (at our own peril) and try to get out early(ish -- have some errands) so if we need to take frequent breaks we'll still get there at a decent time, figure out sleeping arrangements (ah, the magical beds of my family follow us wherever we go... i can't bedshare with robin, ideally not roomshare either, and they both need pitch black rooms), and god willing settle robin in. holly is still young enough that she'll sleep wherever... robin notsomuch.

i'm nervous about the usual suspects, but excited at a change of scenery, a yard to play in, good food and conversation, and maybe a trip to the zoo.

brian is going to stay here and do a ton of cleaning and hopefully smoke pot and play guitar and have fun as a manly man, and not mope and be like "i miss you" which of course he will but COME ON, he's getting to be alone for days on end!! OPPORTUNITY!

anyway. holly has fallen back asleep now so...

I wonder

If I'm on the edge of some big life-changing decision or shift that will be huge and good. I feel so burned out right now and it feels like something is brewing.

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a nosy and potentially volatile inquiry

I've been thinking quite a bit about religion and faith since we started considering a move back to Tulsa, which is predominantly evangelical/protestant/Christian fundamentalist. It's brought this issue to the forefront of my mind, whereas living in the midwest (where everyone is way too polite to inquire about something so personal!) has let it rest on the backburner. I'm wondering what your religious beliefs/practices are and how they've evolved over your lives? I promise to post something about my own thoughts soon. I'm screening comments!

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Awake at 3:30 am.

I'm really pissed about it, too. And its just a bonus on top of a night when Holly wanted a boob in her mouth 24/7. So, hey. Did I ever say something dumb like Holly was a different or better sleeper than Robin?

I really hate my husband right now, because he is asleep, and he gets to sleep every night.

So my IUD got placed and it was and is no big deal. The anticipation was the worst part. The placement itself was uncomfortable but quick. I've had some mild cramping (not even as bad as my worst regular cramps, I'd say) and a tiny bit of spotting. I honestly don't even notice a thing different. So I'm hoping it stays this way and I can give it two thumbs up. Only BAD thing is that she trimmed the strings a little short and due to the way the thing is sitting, she can't visually check it's placement, so I have to get my first ultrasound to check my birth control in a month :P.

I'm angry.

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i can tell i'm tired

... because I feel like a total failure in every way today. Holly got me up at 4:45. I hoped for something like a nap, but the power blipped off and on a dozen times and then a bunch of trains moved through. Have I mentioned the heat? We have a heat index of 110 today, and a dew point of 80. I was feeling wussy about it, but looking at the numbers I am realizing that yes, it's legitimately FUCKING HOT and even Oklahomans would be whining.

I took Robin and Holly to the tot lot this morning and had ambitions of going to the mall play area and/or children's museum if the power stayed off, but since it came back on I've been sitting on my ass watching tv all afternoon and I don't think I'll change that. Don't ask me how much Caillou Robin has watched today. It's embarrassing. Also embarrassing is the fact that I have no plans for dinner. Brian will be home late.

/whine

"later" if 7:45 counts as late

Went to the doc earlier this week for a checkup and to talk about getting an IUD. I'd heard iffy things about this doc (gave bad BFing advice) but she's convenient to our house so I went with her anyway. I kind of liked her, she was nice and I felt like she was good at flagging potential problems. She asked me a lot about the fatigue I experience and talked to me about options for dealing with potential depression (and highlighted counseling and yoga/exercise before saying that a low-dose antidepressant was also an option). I guess my thyroid is a little prominent so she had some bloodwork done (I guess it must be normal, they were supposed to be back yesterday and she said she'd call if it was abnormal... but maybe she's busy). She's also checking my vit D levels and some other stuff as well. She recommended that I lose some weight (but was sure to ask me what weight I would feel comfortable with and that I could maintain). I mean, yes, I'd love to weigh 130 instead of 150, I just don't know when I'll squeeze this yoga and exercise into my day. But I will try to at some point in the next whenever. I know she's right, I *would* feel better. Ugh, stupid good advice.

She agreed that I'm a great candidate for the IUD, gave the whole spiel, and then said "sometimes they won't approve it for contraception but will approve it for menstrual problems, so, have you had any problems with your period?" And I was like "yeah, it's really heavy, right?" which was funny. So once it gets approved I'll get it inserted (weirdly nervous about this). I'm really excited about having a condom-free sex life. Now if I could only manage to be awake enough to have sex...

Holly's sleep is crappy! I think I broke her. I think I made the same mistakes I made with Robin and now she'll only sleep 45 minutes at a time and freaks if there's no boob in her mouth. FUCK. I don't know how to fix this, either, without making her cry, and Holly's cry BREAKS MY HEART INTO TEENSY PIECES because she is SO SWEET AND LOVING. She seems to take it really PERSONALLY that there's no boob (whereas Robin just seemed insulted). Siiighhh.

She's sitting up on her own for a minute or two at a time. Still a little unsteady but really close. She's so excited about this. She's getting mad when I put her in the Bumbo :P.

breakthrough

amazing talks w/ b today have me feeling REALLY POSITIVE AND HOPEFUL. maybe some exciting changes soon. more later!!

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question for all y'all

How do you work out the "division of labor" in your relationships? Who does what around the house/for the family? Especially if one or both work full time?

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hmm

Great naps yesterday = lousy morning today? Robin up at asscrack of dawn. Holly nursed a ton last night. Back hurts. But c'est la vie.

I read TIME's list of top blogs and now my google reader has 400 new items for me to read. Kind of loving Apartment Therapy right now, even though have no $$ to do that kinda stuff, and my place isn't cool at all. I'm fantasizing about moving back to Iowa City. With school and daycare and sitter and splashpad there, it really feels like I'll be driving there 20 times/week. But would be expensive to move, rent not as cheap, place not as nice. Dunno, we'll see how it goes. Probably just the 2 year itch. I haven't lived in a place for more than 2 years since I moved out at 19.

Cranky kids...

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